Someday I'll be Okay
by Lessen the Life
Summary: but not tonight. Tonight I'll break.


They fell apart again.

Him and Jade.

"Difficult, isn't it? Looking at life for what it truly is. Realizing every friendship was a game waiting for you to lose, everything you ever held dear to you swallowed up by the darkness of your mind. It's almost beautiful- to see and feel and fall."

He didn't remember how it came to be but one night he found himself sitting on Sinjin's porch, sweating and shaking and spilling out every drunken delusion, words slurred together. The tall, stalkeresque boy had heard him screaming and the only reason he hadn't done anything about the surprise 'visit' was because it was _Beck_.

The last person he'd expect to see, especially in the state he was. The calm, collected teenager had building pressure in his eyes that were about to touch the surface and burst without any sort of sign. So many cracks and there he was, falling apart with no one to stop him.

None of his closer friends would know about this, would know about this night with the strange and questionable Van Cleef.

If he was going to allow himself, for the very first time, to break the pressure completely, it wouldn't be with the people who already thought they had a sense of who he was. He wouldn't ruin it for them- the picture of _cool_ and_sensible_ Beck Oliver. The one everyone else entrusted with their problems and only ever expected him to understand.

It was amazing how much Sinjin listened and understood- Beck could barely remember anything anymore. He could still hear the shattered glass and strings of curses thrown at him in the back of his mind, but that was all. Everything else broken; watered down and distorted.

"Yes.. but.." he took a breath and wrung his hands together, trying to piece together something that didn't trigger physical impact. He liked his face without the Canadian's fist in it. "It's not…the same anymore. You know how it is- what growing up does to you. You grow out of things and people change. Everything changes and the only thing you can do is sit there and let it unfold. Terrible sometimes."

There was a glass in his hand. From the residue on the bottom he guessed it was scotch. All the drinking and he didn't even know what the hell he'd been downing the entire time. Not like it mattered though. He just wanted to forget, that was all. Fucking forget every goddamn _mistake._

"You know what the worst part is?"

Sinjin's voice rang out and Beck gasped when he found himself tied into another fantasy world.

Beck stared at Sinjin. Sinjin stared at the ground.

"Knowing what true love feels like and still being alone."

Sinjin offered him another glass saying he had more in the hidden cabinet in the basement where his bedroom was. Everyone in the house was asleep, ignorant and unaware of the two conversing teens, both sharing scars and Beck suddenly wasn't sure if he wanted to creepy theater-tech this close to him. He absentmindedly juggled the glass in his hand, before letting it rest in the space between his thighs. He tested the pressure, deciding whether or not it would shatter.

A single, slow nod from Beck and Sinjin ascended the steps back into the house, this time to fetch two full bottles.

"Why does everything have to _hurt_?"

Alone in the dark he stared out into the night and listened to crickets singing and fireflies dance themselves away, colliding with the stars. He wondered if Jade had ever thought to sit and listen to the noises in the dark. It was calming; familiar. But all he could picture were long summer nights full of whispered secrets and skin aching to be touched. Wrapped in silk sheets, sliding down their skin in rhythm to their heartbeats.

That was only memory now.

Thoughts were broken when he heard someone clear their throat behind him, and twisting his head around Sinjin stood arms crossed, leaning against the doorframe. Bottles in hand, soft thumps of his shoes caused the porch to shake slightly when he made his way and sat next to the dark-haired boy once more; it was obvious the house he lived in was old.

He popped open a bottle, thrusting one to Beck and the other still in his hand. Sinjin took a swig and stared at Beck as he bit his lip, as if awaiting some sort of confession. After awhile the nerd mumbled something that vaguely sounded like "You look like shit" and Beck cringed as the other chuckled under his breath.

Sensing the strained vibe cast itself into the air Sinjin's eyes softened and he continued to laugh slightly in hopes to better the mood, but it was defeated and sad.

"I was wrong, you know. It's not such a bad thing- being alone."

Awkward silence before he clicked his tongue and squeezed Beck's shoulder, shaking him slightly as if to transport some much needed sense considering how broken he was at the time. A heavy sigh in response, and before they knew it they were leaning on each other for support, gazing as the surface of every known object covered itself in a thick blanket of black, ebony reassuring them the day had ended.

But the pain wouldn't.

**_A/N: I don't own Victorious._**


End file.
